Practice what you wish for.

Posted on by Roger Jarman

When we want something in life, a higher paying job, a new car, a bigger house, a perfect spouse, kids who keep their rooms clean… often we wish for the “thing” to happen and expect a magic wand to make it so. How disappointing it is though, when these wishes go unfulfilled.

Often times it seems like we get the opposite of what we’re wishing for. We may desire a better relationship with our boss, co-worker, spouse, kids, you name it. Yet what we often experience is an argument or some kind of dust up with the very person we wish to be closer to.

Perhaps work is more stressful than usual and all you’ve been hoping for was a little less stress involved in your daily life. Or you’ve been trying to fit into that next size down in clothing but seem to be closer to a size up instead.

What we hope and wish for often times seems to go the opposite way a lot of the time. This doesn’t mean that God and the Universe are against you, perhaps just the opposite.

When we wish for something, what is it exactly that we expect to happen? Do we expect our relationship to simply BE better, a flip of the switch and just like that everything is good? Do we expect those extra inches at our waistline to simply not be there when we wake up in the morning?

We have become accustomed to our immediate satisfaction society, where nearly everything happens quickly. With some exceptional disruptions in our supply chain these last two years, we’ve become very used to the idea of immediate response service.

Not too many people think of what they expect to actually happen when they wish for something, there is an expectation for the “thing” to happen, with a very vague idea as to how it might manifest itself.

If you want more love in your life, then you may be given an opportunity to be loving to the person or people whom you want more love. How do you thing this would manifest exactly? Do you think it would come from an easy situation, like coming home to dinner cooked and on the table waiting for you?

Or would it be the opposite, you come home and it’s a mess, the kitchen is dirty and your “loved” one is sitting on the couch half asleep when you walk in?

Which of these scenarios opens the door for US, to be more loving?

I’ll give you a hint. It’s not the first one. That’s too easy. We don’t learn anything when it’s easy.

Perhaps what we get when we wish for something, is the opportunity to BE the very thing we wish for. After all, we reap what we sow.

When we are wishing for things like better health, more love, a promotion, a bigger house etc… what we’re really asking for is a change in our lifestyle, a change as we are dis-satisfied with the status quo. Therefore, by the very nature of our wish, our request, we are asking for an opportunity to learn, to create a attitude and/or habits.

Diets for instance only work while your “on” the diet, and then the weight comes flooding back on when we are “off” the diet. Why? Because we didn’t change our lifestyle to understand how to eat properly everyday, day in and day out. We only “learn” how to eat properly by practicing saying NO to things which don’t promote weight loss.

When you can say NO to the donuts Jerry brought into the office and not feel like your missing out, you’ve made a stride in changing your lifestyle. So when you wish for a leaner waist and a healthier body, you can rest assured Jerry is bringing donuts tomorrow! And you’ll have your opportunity to BE healthier.

We reap what we sow, and we don’t learn from easy. If you want healthy, be healthy. If you want more love, be loving to those around you, especially when you feel they deserve it the least. If you want more money, be generous with others. If you can’t afford it (prices aren’t going down these days after all!) take a closer look at what your spending on to see if you can spare something. If not money then, give your time to someone who’s lonely, perhaps some clothes to someone who needs them more, you get the point.

Patience is a virtue our culture is losing, yet it’s one of the key ingredients to finding peace in our hearts no matter the environment around us. Taking the time to practice those things we desire is a great way to practice patience as well.

The next time you wish for something, before you become frustrated by the situations which arise, give thanks to God for the opportunity you have to be that which you wish for. As you practice, you will then receive exactly what you wish for if you are patient for the result.

Good luck!

Why do we wait

Posted on by Roger Jarman

I don’t know about you, but I’m the type of person who doesn’t like to wait for things. When I have an idea I like to take action on it right away in most cases. From doing something around the house, to working with customers, to my fitness program I tend to action things quickly.

But sometimes procrastination sets in on things I’d rather not procrastinate on. While I don’t consider myself to be procrastinator, I’ve certainly done it from time to time. I’ve heard there are three primary reasons people procrastinate and I’d tend to from what I’ve experienced.

The first one is the fear of failure. Then there is the fear of success, which is harder to overcome than a fear of failure oftentimes. Then there is overwhelm. Overwhelm about how to solve or action a large goal, project or idea. Let’s take a quick look at these three.

First, the fear of failure. We can all be reluctant to “fail” at something as we primarily “fear” peoples reaction to our shortcomings. We fear the rejection it will bring, and the credibility hit we’ll take by being unsuccessful at something. In short, it highlights our weakness.

Is this real? Is it true that we’ll suffer as much as we think we will if we go forth and indeed fail? No. Our imagination of how bad it will be, in most cases far outclasses how bad it will actually be. I’ve had my share of “failures” and I don’t feel bad about any of them anymore. I’ve learned a TON of lessons from the times I’ve tried and come up short, and this learning experience of DOING has been worth every perceived set back. I don’t even consider it failing anymore, as I learn the lessons and apply them going forward.

Should we fear failure? No. Is it uncomfortable and part of the growth process. Absolutely. Anybody who’s ever accomplished anything has their roots planted firmly in the failures that led to success.

How about the fear of success? Another very prominent fear which seems illogical but is indeed very real. We fear the loss of our comfort zone, the reaction of friends and loved ones, jealously and perhaps being “better” than those people in our lives currently.

Is it true that if you become successful at your endeavor that you’ll be better than those around you? No. We’re all different, and success or failure doesn’t make one person better than another, simply at different points on their own paths.

Is it true that friends and loved ones may try and hold you back, to keep you “down” where you are. Yes, it may happen and often does. Will they dis-own you for succeeding anyway? Some may. Those who matter will never leave your side. This is actually a great way to identify who truly cares about you and who’s willing to support you. I say it’s better to clear the air every so often and see who’s moving forward with you.

How about this last hurdle, overwhelm. Overwhelm is one of those we can plan to move around/through but can sneak it’s way back into our best laid plans. Trying to write a book start a business, lose 50 pounds, save 6 months worth of reserve funding… ?

All these things have one foundational thing in common. They all take time, and will require persistent commitment over time to accomplish. What happens when we make these longer term goals? It sounds great, we make a plan and are all excited and we move forward. Then after a few days to a week we are back in our daily lives and we’ve realized there is SO MUCH to do and we just aren’t sure what to do next.

We quickly become overwhelmed between our daily existence and the though of all that has to happen to start the business, all the words which have to be typed to create the book, all those salads we have to eat to lose the weight, all those nights out we won’t enjoy as we save money… it’s all just too much. “Tomorrow I’ll get back to it” we say…. except most of us know how this ends.

Getting over the fear of failure/success is fairly easy as it’s essentially moving past our comfort zone and continuing on our path. It’s uncomfortable at first but once we make the mental shift we can keep moving.

Overwhelm is something much more insidious; though this too can be overcome by a tried and true practice. Going back to one of life’s great concepts, simplicity is key. Small victories as I like to call them. Creating small actionable steps for the process which you can check off a list and celebrate the accomplishment of attaining each of these victories.

Trying to start a business? Start with the customer profiled. That’s it. One step. Then go to the mission statement, then a company name, then find the website platform… each of these items seems small but are very important steps in creating a company. And there are a 1,000 more where these came from.

Do you have to map it all out before you start? No. Please for the love of yourself don’t.

Once you move through the first 5-8 steps, create a new 5-8 step list and continue your path. Celebrate each step in a way that is in accordance with the victory. Some wins are much bigger than others, so manage your rewards accordingly based upon what you enjoy.

Trying to lose 50 lbs? Try losing 2 first. Then another 3. Once your down 5, can you make it 8? Each day is a new day to challenge yourself. It’s not about losing 50, it’s about losing 1, then 1 more. That’s it. Simplicity.

Most things in life can be done if done consistently and persistently. Fitness, business, health, relationships… be consistent and persistent, and you’ll experience powerful results.

There is no “there” to get to. Embrace the journey.

What’s Your Purpose

Posted on by Roger Jarman

While tucking my daughter in to bed the other night she asked me a question. “What if you found a genie lamp, and when the genie came out he only gave you one wish instead of three? With only one wish, what would you wish for?”

In the blink of an eye a thousand possibilities streamed through my mind and only one was clear and easy to choose. “I would wish that I am living my purpose on this earth.”

“That’s it?” says my little girl. “What else do I need?” I respond.

“Hm, that does make a lot of sense” she responds while I can see her pondering the scenario.

Thankfully I’ve done a lot of internal work over the last several years so I don’t have to wish to be on my path, I know inherently I already am. This quick yet powerful interaction between my daughter and I was yet another reminder of the simplistic nature of the world we live in.

The truest answers are almost always the simplest.

I could have wished for more money, a bigger house, to be forever healthy, to travel the world… and while all of these are valid responses and all serve good purposes, they all leave other areas in life lacking.

None covers all the bases.

Yet if we find and actively pursue the purpose for why we are here, all of those other areas in life fill themselves in effortlessly.

Our purpose may or may not have anything to do with what we THINK we want to do. The discovery process for many, myself included can take years of persistent trial and error. For those willing to put in the time and learn to embrace the process, the reward is far better than can be imagined at the start.

It is a journey free of a specific destination and full of surprises, risks, accomplishments to be enjoyed along the way.

If you haven’t found your path yet, or are trying to force a path you think is right, take a step back and evaluate what feels forced and what flows naturally. Lean into the natural flow and release those things which create friction.

Learning is all about perspective, and each “failure” or “hardship” is only a course correction and a grateful heart will notice this and quickly adapt a change on the path.

What does it matter?

Posted on by Roger Jarman

During the normal course of a day many of us experience interactions with all sorts of people, in all sorts of contexts. Family, friends, co-workers, customers, vendors, and simple random interactions are a normal part of many days. Think back of today, or perhaps yesterday and think of all the interactions you had during this time.

Perhaps you and your co-workers talked about COVID and how the impact has somebody missing work, perhaps several people. This shortage led to a customer not being serviced as expected and now the upset customer is taking it out on you or your co-worker. Did Jane have a crappy attitude and set you off on the wrong foot for no reason? Maybe John dropped the ball and you are found yourself venting at his lack of determination or focus. Maybe you are the one listening to the venting, a compassionate ear for a frustrated soul.

I was once talking to one of my direct reports, he managed a large group of employees and he was having a few issues as employees were arguing about this and that. As he was talking it suddenly occurred to me that about 80% of what we encounter on a daily basis is nearly meaningless. Worse, it’s actually counter-productive as it convolutes our day and adds drama and complication which quite frankly has no need to be in our day. I revert back to one thing I know and am reminded of here again.

Life is simple.

The world we are taught to live in is anything but simple. When we really clear away the clutter though, what really matters at the end of the day? If not the conversations and context we’ve had through the day, what is left?

Let’s go to the old dramatic axiom: what if on your way home from work you died unexpectedly, and suddenly found yourself facing your maker. Your maker says “Welcome! I hope you enjoyed your last day on earth. Now that you’re done with life on earth, what have you brought with you here?”

Now think back to the daily conversations which happen around you on a normal, everyday basis. How many of these instances make the cut for quality and actually benefit you as you move on to a new plane of experience? Most of us will not have many to bring to this table. It’s ok. relax and know it’s never too late to be a little better today than yesterday.

This doesn’t mean our lives are meaningless, far from it. Our lives are actually much more powerful than we give ourselves credit for. Much more powerful than many of us realize. Think back on your day, or a few days. When was the last time you made somebody smile? When was the last time you made a selfless gesture to a stranger, something as simple as holding the door open to allow the person behind you to walk through? Perhaps it was a simple smile and gesture of “hello” to a stranger you passed on the street.

These simple gestures can, and often do have profound impacts on those we encounter. And we’ll never know exactly how, and this is ok. We are quite literally all in “this” together. “This” being this life as we know it. We all have things going on in our lives nobody outside our inner circle knows about, often even the circle doesn’t know all of it. Have you ever had a day where you feel empty, useless, like you don’t matter and nothing you do is good enough? Then some random stranger gives you a smile, simply acknowledges that you’re alive and a person. This simple gesture can pull you out of the gutter and help change your thoughts and bring you back to center.

This is a dramatized example and I imagine though you can insert your own memory of a time when you were unexpectedly cheered up by a random act of kindness.

Now let’s think back to meeting your maker and the question posed. “What have you brought with you here?” Think about the positive impact you have had knowingly or otherwise on people. Suddenly, you’re not empty handed, are you?

None of us are perfect and there is no reason to be. Laugh, love, cry, get angry, feel sad… and compassionate and empathetic… and all the myriad of emotions we as humans have. We don’t have walk around with a fake perma-smile plastered on our faces. We also don’t have to take out our frustrations or anger at others. Processing emotions (not burying them) is very important and something we can do and still have a positive effect, even when we’re not in the best of moods.

One thing which I believe to be true and it’s my starting point with all of my interactions. People wake up in the morning wanting to do good things for themselves and their families. Is this true 100% of the time? Of course not. It is true far more often than not though.

Knowing the people around you share the same goal as you do: trying to make life better for yourself and your family. This common goal helps to see others in a slightly different light and we can all help each other get closer to this ideal. By helping each other do the same.

Play around with smiling at strangers, saying hi randomly and holding a door open here and there. Sure, you will get some strange looks and questioning faces and that’s awesome, you’ve just gave somebody hope for humanity!

In your business, think about how your products/services better people’s lives or improves their circumstances. This is your focal point and drives your energy to get your product/service out to more and more people, because you know it’s going to help them, add true value to their experience of life. As business owners and leaders, we can have a tremendous impact on our employees and families, as well as our customers and vendors.

This is what is meant when you hear the phrase: “Be the change you want to see in the world”. At the end of the day, it all matters.

Practice, not perfection

Posted on by Roger Jarman

Many years ago I was talking to a neighbor of mine and I was lamenting how tight my clothes had become. We had moved to Texas and after several months of eating at the myriad excellent restaurants around town, my waistline was showing the effects.

My neighbor suggested I simply get some “fat pants”, it’s what she does when things get too tight. I wasn’t familiar with the “fat pants” or where to get a pair, or how they worked. “What are fat pants?” I asked. “Bigger pants” was the deadpan response. I realized I was at a choice point in my life, choose to accept the enlarging waist and get some fat pant to accommodate my sloth. Or, I could choose to eat better and get my health back on track, saving me the painful concept of the bigger pants.

I chose to lose weight and work myself into my normal clothes again thankfully. This process I have since learned is applicable to many areas of life. The process of working towards a goal, an objective, an idea, a dream.

I have learned during my weight loss journey, I have learned again during my professional career, my marriage, fatherhood, entrepreneurship. I have experienced the same context in different formats. Like watching a movie where the family is in danger and the husband/father comes in and saves the day against all odds. This movie has been made a thousand times. The actors change, and script and scenery change, but it’s really just the same movie over again. These movies span all genres just like the important aspects of achieving a goal.

Progress on the road is infinitely more important than being perfect along the journey. I recall going on the Atkins diet (basically keto, before keto was cool!) and I dove in on a Monday morning. From beer and restaurants to zero carbs from one day to the next. Wasn’t really a great plan I admit, and the first two weeks were a nightmare, the third only slightly better. I did however steal peanut butter once a day during these first few weeks, and a beer at night a few times. These “indiscretions” are what gave me the willpower to keep going and not give up on the entire diet.

As I got better at eating a very minimal amount of carbs it became easier and I was able to adapt and adjust voluntarily when I felt ready to. I eventually gave up peanut butter and beer as I had progressed to a point. I had lost a lot of weight, and now was willing to sacrifice further to attain my goal.

There are times in life when we can be laser focused on a goal, AND we can deviate a bit to allow ourselves room to continue instead of crash. Countless people I’ve encountered give a 110%, (rise and grind bro!) only to burn out before getting what they were after. In my experience, getting three quarters of the way isn’t the same as crossing the finish line. Perhaps this is what the old “tortoise and the hare” fable is all about.

If you are going on a diet, starting a new business, beginning a fitness regime or changing fitness styles, (or one of so many other journeys) give yourself some leeway to have fun along the way. Sacrifices will need to be made, it will be difficult, and this is ok, this is part of the accomplishment. There’s no reason though to make it so difficult you can’t complete it. If you take a day off, eat that donut(s) at the office, miss a day of training don’t beat yourself up. It’s all good, simply continue where you left off and enjoy the progress you’ve made thus far.

Practice and persistence (consistency) will always win. Enjoy the journey and your much more likely to reach your destination.

Are we there yet?

Posted on by Roger Jarman

If you’re anything like me you are always striving for more. Striving to improve in all areas of life, personally, professionally, physically, working to get a little better today than we were yesterday. I have always been like this and for years I had always leaned into hitting the next stage, next level of growth.

Many of us who share this mentality also share a common trait of thinking there is a “there”, a destination at the end we will eventually reach. That once this next goal or level is achieved we’ll be “there”! Ironically, what many of us experience as we succeed in achieving our goals and moving to the next level is not a overwhelming sense of joy and accomplishment. It’s a sense simply of “what’s next”.

I love this mindset and I wouldn’t trade my continual growth for anything. This mindset though can be lead us to be very harsh critic of ourselves and our perceived accomplishments. Like most things in life we have to embrace the gifts of who we are and strengthen those areas we perceive to be not as good.

This inner critic many of us experience is not a bad thing when held in check. It can also be hugely damaging if we let it take over our sense of self worth. This inner critic can keep us sharp, on our toes and focused on the task(s) at hand; or it can ultimately demotivate and derail our progress altogether. So how do we embrace this voice within us instead of simply trying to ignore it or shout it down? Or worse, allow it to begin to infect our being as we start to believe some of the non-sense this critical voice throws at us?

The first step is simply to notice this voice and/or thoughts when they appear. When this critic starts it’s torrent simply take note that you hear this voice and it’s rant. That’s it, notice them, don’t buy into them. By simply taking note a profound shift occurs very quickly, which is a separation of yourself from this voice. You’ll notice it’s almost like over-hearing a conversation of other people, mainly one person talking AT another. You have a choice now as to how you wish to handle this. Would you allow another person to speak to you as this inner critic does? Not likely. By noticing this voice and creating a separation between it and yourself you can take ownership of your response if not the narrative of the voice.

Changing the narrative of the voice takes time and practice and can absolutely happen (for another article). Reducing the amount of air-time this voice gets is a natural progression as we remove the power this critic has over us. First though we have to get really good at understanding the voice is a crazy person. A self defense mechanism ingrained to protect us from perceived danger, even if this danger is simply and act or activity at the edge of our comfort zone.

Once you have practiced noticing the voice you will begin to notice other things. Perhaps you’ll notice the angry response many of us have when somebody cuts us off in traffic, or the frustration towards a co-worker. As we notice these things, many of us soon begin to notice our buttons are not as easily pushed because we are noticing the trigger and not responding blindly, but through a separation of rational thought and raw emotion.

The natural progression of this concept is simple. If you begin to respond to life in a more positive and understanding manner, can you see what the trend will be going forward? That’s right. As we improve our relationship within ourselves we improve all of our relationships outwardly, and this has all manner of positive outcomes. Our experience (life) is simply a collection of our choices and actions thus far. As we upgrade our thoughts and actions, our experience thus upgrades with us.

Going back to the beginning of the article, how does noticing our thoughts and separating ourselves from our inner critic have anything to do with reaching our goals and getting to that point we are all striving for?

That point we working towards doesn’t actually exist. It’s a mirage. Like seeing the end of the rainbow it can look so close, yet when you get close it’s not longer there, vanished. As we strive to improve ourselves in all aspects of life there is no point at which we’ll be done, will be at our destination and fully satisfied. When our inner critic hears this the tirade can become volatile and destructive if we let it. If we ignore it and keep trying to get to this imaginary “point” we ultimately will become miserable in the process. Most of us feeling as if we’ve failed, even in our success, especially in our success.

When we understand we will always be growing, it is indeed our nature as people who desire growth. We can quell the critic within and enjoy the process much more. After all, it’s the process and not the result which is the real prize and thing to be attained. The experiences along the way are what matter and the goals we set are simply markers along the way, like mileage posts on the highway.

Begin to notice these thoughts and pay attention to the shifts you will experience. Embrace the experience of all of it, the perceived good and bad of everyday. We wouldn’t notice the sun without the clouds.

Let me know how this works for you and what you notice along the way. This practice opens the doors for more profound change as you grow with it.